At My Core

blue and white striped dress {Joe Fresh} - navy jacket {Jacob} - aviator sunnies {Windsor} - white purse {Coach} - polka-dot wedges {Keds}

Sometimes, when I re-read my posts, I worry that my writing style or tone is too "fluffy". A friend of mine described the way I write as playful and conversational. I took this as a compliment. One of my goals was to try and write as I would talk to someone in real life. I hope I have or am on my way to achieving this. Though I worry that my playful words lack substance at times. Perhaps for this reason or maybe just because I am feeling particularly deep this evening, I am going a bit serious for this post.

After having finally started a blog myself, it surprised (and delighted) me to find out that other people I knew (childhood friends, co-workers, the lady at the post office) also had blogs. Shortly after I launched this puppy, I came across an old childhood friend's blog - Just Darby. As I do with most new blogs that catch my fancy, I read through the entire thing in one sitting. Darby's blog is about embracing minimalism. Something I am basically allergic to. But have had to practice anyways during the past couple months. She wrote this one post that really struck a chord with me. It was titled Who Are You at Your Very Core? I highly recommend you read it. Not only is it thought provoking, but it will provide you with some much needed insight into why I am blabbing so much tonight.

So. Who am I at my very core? Do I even know the answer to this? Yes. And no. It's funny to me that the first few things that pop into my head when I ask myself this question are superficial or inconsequential in nature. Often having to do with possessions or my likes and dislikes of things. Instead of disregarding this or getting angry with myself for missing the point of the exercise, I sat and thought about it for a while.  In Darby's post, she gives several suggestions to help one break away from the identity associated with your possessions and labels in an effort to find the answer to this question. I can appreciate this and also understand the importance of having an identity separate from material things and society's labels. This being said, the first things I thought of were the degree I earned at UVic, my love of shopping and my favorite TV show. Is my answer to the question really: "I am a shopaholic with a business degree from UVic who has a shameless obsession with the Young and the Restless."? I think not. So why were these the first three things I thought of? There must be some reason. Does the fact that I obtained my degree from Uvic really define me? No, not really. What about the type of degree I earned? Possibly. But I wasn't always interested in business. And even though I'm the one who studied business, sometimes I have a hard time defining what that even means. Does it mean I have a keen business sense? Does it mean I want to own my own company one day? I think what I like most about business is the practicality of it. I am practical. Most of the time. Business tends to be black and white. Whereas I think I view the world in shades of gray. Sometimes, there is not a right or wrong answer. Now, even though most people would not consider a love of shopping as one of their fundamentals, I do. I have associated myself with shopping and style for as long as I can remember. This is a big part of who I am. And I am not embarrassed to admit that. Some people call it shallow. Some people call me a pack rat. So be it. I can't really explain what exactly I love about shopping. The thrill of finding something unique and on sale gives me a rush that others would get from sports, travelling or adding to their coin collection. I am a visual being and have an appreciation for beautiful things. Lastly, you must think I have completely lost my marbles for 1) admitting that I have an obsession with a daytime soap and 2) actually listing that as a core part of myself. I started watching the Y&R with my Nana fifteen years ago. I have barely missed an episode. I enjoy the routine or tradition of watching "my show" every night before bed. I also enjoy being entertained mindlessly for 40 minutes. I don't have to think. Or worry. I can just watch. It is my escape. I'm a romantic and an idealist. So, for 40 minutes everyday, I feed the ideal romantic living inside of me as I get lost in the characters I have known and loved for the past decade and a half. I dare you to talk trash about my show.

This all being said, this is still not who I really am at my core. What if I had absolutely no money to go shopping with? Or (god forbid) the Y&R goes off the air? Would I still be the same person. Likely. In Darby's post, the number one thing she suggests you do to figure out who you are at your core is what I am about to do. Move to a country where no one knows my name. I did this on a smaller scale when I moved to Victoria for my undergrad and it was there, over a span of 8 years, where I started to see who I really was (and who I want to be). I am creative, shy but outgoing, confident yet still self-conscious. I care an awful lot about other people's feelings and do not like to be the cause of someone else's sadness (which made breaking off my engagement excruciatingly painful). I can relate to a wide range of people and have a knack for anticipating how people may react to or interpret a situation. I am stubborn and usually get my way. I am spoiled and know it but since I know it, I try not to take it for granted and show my appreciation to my parents. I am innocently optimistic but get mad when people mistake this for naivety or ignorance. I live in the present (as much as I can) and don't find it particularly constuctive to dwell on unknowns in the future or on mistakes of the past. If I want something I make it happen. We are only on this planet once, so I am trying to make the most of it. I know that moving to New York is going to be a challenge but I am so ready for it. I also know that I am going to learn so much more about myself during this year. I am who I am, and won't change myself for anyone. But I know that there is room for growth and adaptation. I don't claim to know exactly who I am at my core, but I think I am well on my way. I just have one last thing to say and that is "Look out New York, here I come!".

j.