Waiting it Out for the Life You Imagined

jacket {Jacob} - blouse {Old Navy} - jeans {RW&Co} - sandals {Aldo}

For someone who prides themselves on being a pretty good multi-tasker when it comes to school or work, when it comes to looking for a job I am a one-task wonder. What I mean by this is that I usually find one opportunity that I set my heart on and I have a hard time pursuing other options while that dream job is on the table. This may be a generational way of thinking because both my parents have been heard saying that I should be lining up offers and putting them on the back burner, just in case. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate their advice (well, most of the time) and I can see where they are coming from but I just can't help but focus all of my efforts on landing the perfect gig. 

I believe in the power of positive thinking and envisioning your life the way you want it. I have a hard time seeing the value in taking a job just for the sake of having a job (please note that I realize that sometimes circumstance prevents us from having the luxury of choice, and I know that I am lucky to be in a position right now where I don't need to take whatever job comes along). If being in NYC taught me anything it's that I know I want to work in a creative environment that fosters growth and out of the box thinking. I believe it is better for me, in the long run, to hold out for a job that fits this criteria. Most people search for a job that is best suited to their education or the subject that they specialized in. For me that would be marketing. But finding THE job for me is so much more than finding a job in marketing. I know that I could market for almost any type of company, but the thing is I don't want to. I believe that waiting it out for a job in marketing in the right kind of environment will lead to more job satisfaction, personal development and growth and long-term opportunities than I ever could have wished for. I know that I am worth it and I know that the perfect job is out there for me.

This may come across as privileged or lazy and I certainly don't mean for it to be. I am a dreamer and a believer and I set out two years ago to create the life that I had envisioned for myself. So, I can't help but ask, "why stop now"?

j.

New York Warp Speed

Photo by the lovely Leyla.

With only 9 more days left in NYC, I find myself appreciating all of the little things that this city and my life here have to offer. I take an extra deep breath when walking past my favorite corner flower stand. I smile smugly to myself when I run for the train and jump through the doors right before they close on me. I'm even enjoying some of my final projects (well, really just one and it's only because I'm really nerdy). In my last social commerce class yesterday, our prof had us think of a mentor we have had and then on a piece of paper write down the qualities this person possesses. After a few minutes, she told us to flip the paper over and write down what this person has taught us. Now, I'm not going to lie, there was a lot of eye rolling going on in the room during this exercise, especially because it wasn't to be handed in and rather just for us to keep. But being the goody goody I am, I obliged and started jotting down what my mentor (who I met at Parsons) has taught me. There are only a few people I've met in my life that I felt the need to impress, and maybe that's not quite the right word. Perhaps more accurately, they have inspired me to do my best work and then some. From the moment I met this person, I had this feeling. He imparted a fraction of his knowledge and experience onto me and because of this allowed me to grow in ways I never thought imaginable. His confidence in my skills and collaborative critiques have given me the ability to think that much further outside the box and push that much harder against what I thought I could do or become.

He led me to my current internship at a PR agency where I have had the most rewarding experience. Even though I have only been at this agency for four months, I feel like I have learned more than most people learn after years at a job. It's like I've all of a sudden realized just how far I've come and how much I've grown over the past year and a half in this city. What could have taken years and years at a mediocre job (and maybe not even!) to achieve has happened to me here, in this short time. I feel confident in the direction I want my life to go and I have a much clearer picture of what I want my career to look like. I owe that to a lot of people, including myself for taking this chance, but I also owe it to this city and the warp speed that it runs at.

j.

Camo & Excuses

 striped tee {Jacob} - camo pants {Gap} - sneaks {Sanuk} - necklaces {American Eagle & F21} - bracelet {flea market}

I kind of have a lot going on right now so please forgive the radio silence that just happened and may continue to happen. Turns out finals and moving back to Canada give you a lot to do. This week is crazy busy for me but in fun ways. One of my really good friends from Uni is here and he's taking me to a hockey game tomorrow night. I am so excited! Obviously, I'm really sporty and because of this the first thing I did upon hearing he had bought the tickets was to go buy myself a NY Rangers t-shirt. Once a fashion girl, always a fashion girl...or something like that. I'm also volunteering at a fashion show and going to a dinner party requested by me thrown in my honor (thanks Ley!). Only two more weeks of school and interning and then shortly after that I am back to the homeland.

Until next time....

j.

You're More Beautiful Than You Think!

I was just perusing my Facebook feed and saw that one of my friend's had shared Dove's video, below. He said it was worth the watch and so I did. Worth it, indeed. Not only did I get a bit choked up during it, but it really got me thinking. So much so that I decided not to go with the light, funny post I had intended for tonight. I know the video is three minutes (which is hours in social media time), but it really is something. Watch it and then read my thoughts below, if you so desire!

This video is about so much more than women's self confidence. It's about self perception and how we see ourselves. Everyone is their own worst critic, that is just fact. Even the prettiest girls can't help but beat themselves up from time to time. What shocked me the most about this video was that these women, who were in their 20's, 30's and 40's, had such distorted perceptions of what they looked like. Self deprecation knows no bounds. It doesn't differentiate between age. I suppose if someone had asked me at what age are women most vulnerable about their appearance, I would've said late teens to early twenties. Maybe that's because that's when I felt the most disconnected in my body. It upsets me that beautiful women in their 30's and 40's are still feeling the way I felt for a short time in my life. I wasn't as much of a "I have this wrong with me" insecure, but more of a "I wish I had that girl's legs/stomach/arms/fill in the body part" type of insecure. In hindsight, that's basically the same thing but it was the comparing myself to other people that was the most hurtful to myself. I don't really know when I started to grow out of this. It was a slow process of getting older, experiencing more things, and just becoming more comfortable in my own skin. I learned to accept what my body had the potential to look like (I will never be a size 2, or even 4 for that matter because I have hips and no amount of exercise or diet will change them). But I know that with regular exercise and a moderately healthy diet, I can get to a point when looking in the mirror not only doesn't make me cringe but maybe even makes me smile.

In this video, these women described themselves in terms of their flaws (or what they perceived to be flaws) whereas the strangers described them in terms of their best features. I think what's important to take away is that the world sees you in terms of your best, not in terms of your worst. Only you are looking at those dark circles underneath your big, beautiful expressive eyes. Strangers just see those eyes. I think it is so important to be kind to ourselves and to try focusing on the positive every once in a while. All this negativity is just bringing us down. This was reinforced by the blonde lady near the end of the video who, when looking at both sketches, realized that the one she described looked "sad" whereas the stranger's description looked more "open" and "happy". So, do yourself a favor and be nice to yourself today, it just may make you happier!

I can't say it any better than Dove did, so I won't: You're more beautiful than you think!

j.

A Big Life Decision and Some Words To Live By

Hi friends. I know there have been some radio silences on the blog lately. I couldn't quite put my finger on why I hadn't been posting lately until it hit me. Everything I thought to post about felt disingenuous because I have made a pretty big decision in my life and I guess I just wasn't ready for it to be blog public until now.

I have decided to move back to Calgary once I finish school. I have talked about this possibility a few times before on the blog. While this certainly wasn't an easy or quick decision to make, it is the right one for me. The thing I was struggling with the most was the notion that I should want to stay in NYC. After all, it is New York City, fashion capitol of the world and I have spent all this time and money to study at one of the best fashion schools. Everyone around me was telling me to stay. All of my friends and classmates are hoping for a job out of school in order to be able to stay, live and work in this vibrant city. Yet, with all that NYC has going for it, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was done here. My brain was telling me that it would be good for my career to stay but my heart was telling me I wanted to be home. I have gotten everything and more that I needed out of this experience. New York has been a lot of things to me. I came here partly broken and at a time in my life when I was very lost and this city rejuvenated my spirit, inspired me and put me back together. I will always have a soft spot for the city that never sleeps but I know, in my heart, that home is where I belong.

I'm excited for this new chapter in my life. I'm eager to start my career, and rediscover a city that I have not lived in as an adult. I anticipate this journey having its ups and downs, as all do. While it may not be as glamorous as the Big Apple, I hope you'll all keep following along as I seek out fashion, style and everything in between in a city who's nickname is Cow Town!

j. 

Living Like a Nomad

jacket {Aritizia} - sweater {Jacob} - polka-dot skinnies {Gap} - leopard print shoes {Toms} - purse {vintage Dooney & Bourke} - 

sunnies {Forever 21} - key necklace {flea market}

Every semester Parsons hosts a trend presentation by Trend Union, a Paris based company and one of the world's most renowned trend forecasters. This afternoon was the presentation for Spring/Summer 2014 and I had the privilege of guest tweeting for Parsons during it. This season's theme was titled Nomadism and in a nutshell, it was all about roaming the globe, connecting with nature and basically living a nomadic lifestyle. Inspiration was drawn from the earth and the different cultures that live on it. I thought it was a great presentation and I was loving many of the forecasted trends. If you're interested to hear more about those trends, check out the Parsons twitter account here!

It really got me thinking about the whole notion of living life out of a suitcase and having so few personal belongings that you're able to pick up and move on to the next place should the mood strike you. This lifestyle is basically the antithesis of mine. I collect belongings, crave stability, reject change and usually need a solid few months to wrap my head around a new beginning. As I was sitting in this presentation and seeing beautiful imagery of hippies and gypsies, I realized that I have always been envious of the free spirited. To have the ability to go with the flow and not only be okay with it, but thrive from it, is truly a remarkable quality. 

After an entire life of accumulating 'stuff', I'm beginning to realize that maybe having less things, but with more meaning is better than having just a bunch of meaningless things. Obviously, this can be applied to all of one's possessions but for me it really applies to my closet. I'm not going to make some big (unrealistic) declaration that from now on, I won't buy clothes. I am going to say that I will strive to put more thought into my purchases. I mean, really think about what it is I want, if I have something similar to it already hanging in the back of my closet. I think I should challenge myself to mentally come up with at least five different ways I could wear this new item with my current wardrobe before making the purchase. I love the idea of being able to mix and match the majority of one's clothes with one another.

While I know that the nomad life is not for me, I wouldn't mind borrowing from it from time to time. Living in the moment, allowing freedom to take over and just letting go (both mentally and physically) are not the worst philosophies I've ever heard.

j.

You Belong in 'X'

 

image via Pinterest

You know the feeling you get when you're reading a good book and it's nearing the end but you just don't know exactly how it's going to end? That's what my life feels like right now. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that my program will be over in May. I don't know what I want to do or maybe more importantly, where I want to do it once I graduate from Parsons.

I feel torn between two completely different options. I can stay in NYC and work for a year or I can move back home to Calgary. If you had told me a few years ago that I would be considering moving back to Calgary, I would've told you you were crazy. I don't know when exactly it happened but lately something has shifted in me, making moving back to the city I grew up in an appealing choice. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and realizing that I want to be near my family. I've been away for nearly ten years, but perhaps that was the amount of time I needed to feel ready to call that place my home again.When I think about moving to Calgary, it feels right in a sense. But I can't stop the little voice in the back of my head from planting seeds of doubt in my mind. What if I don't like living there? What if I can't find a job that allows me to use my schooling or at the very least, my creativity?

If I stay in NYC, I will get the chance to work in the fashion industry, which has always been the goal. Sometimes I feel like I should not even have to think twice about this and that I'm crazy for not jumping at the chance to work in my dream field in the city where it all happens. But I do have to think twice and I'm not jumping anywhere at the  moment. This city is inspiring and breath-taking and I've never felt more alive but a part of me feels unsettled, for lack of a better word. Maybe because I know in my heart that this is not the place I want to settle down, so in a way it feels counter-productive to start my career here. This city, with all of it's positives, has a dark side that can chip away at your soul if you're not careful. It's busy chaos can leave you feeling lonely and cold. And while the pace of NYC can be hard to keep up with at times, I worry that the pace of Calgary will leave me running circles with no finish line in sight.

I literally flip-flop on this decision every other day. Some days I'm leaning towards staying in NYC and giving it a try for at least the next year but then something happens and I'm back to mentally preparing the moving checklist I'll need should I decide to leave. Most people are on New York's side (besides maybe the few friends I have in Calgary), and tell me I should definitely stay and get a job. Even with all the support and obvious benefits of staying in the city, I find myself defending Calgary and talking it up more times than not. Is this a sign or is this me trying to convince myself of something? I don't know and although I don't need to know right now, I will need to know soon. I'm just waiting for that moment of clarity to come smack me in the face and yell at the top of its lungs,  

"YOU BELONG IN 'X'". 

Please tell me that's going to happen.

j.

On Being Your Own Best Friend

touque (US translation: beanie) {Steve Madden via Century 21} - sweater {Forever 21} - black skinnies {Old Navy}

brown boots {Steven by Steve Madden via Century 21} - photo credit {Kiki}

We all know the cliche "you have to love yourself before someone will love you" and while I know that this saying probably causes a lot of eye rolling, I think there is some truth to it. I am an "alone" person and what I mean by that is I enjoy spending time by myself. I'm not talking about the regular day to day things that you do on your own, like riding the subway to work/school or going to the gym. I'm talking about hanging out with yourself. Taking yourself on adventures, be it an afternoon of shopping, exploring a new part of the city, sitting down at a restaurant for a solitaire meal or going to a museum or even a movie by yourself. I think this is an important part of figuring out who you are, or maybe more importantly, who you want to be. I believe that you have to know who you are as a single before you can become a pair. This comes inherently to some people, while others have to learn to be comfortable being by themselves. I don't know if I've always been this way, but I certainly know that I've spent a lot of time by myself over the past two years and it has been good for me. There is a certain freedom that comes with being by yourself because you get to do whatever it is YOU want to do. You don't have to cater to anyone else's feelings or desires or make any sacrifices whatsoever. This may seem selfish but I think that being selfish sometimes is necessary. It's necessary in the sense of personal development and growth but also in the sense of building and maintaining relationships (both friendly and romantic). I mean, if you don't want to hang out with you, what makes you think other people do?

New York is the perfect city for hanging out with yourself because anything goes here. You wouldn't look "weird" going to a restaurant (or even a bar!) on your own. I get a rush sometimes when I'm walking the streets solo, listening to my tunes and I know that I can do whatever I want, go wherever I want. It's liberating, in a sense. I wonder if being single has enabled me to spend more time by myself (in a word, yes). But even if you are in a relationship doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't make time for you. I think it's important to find out what makes you tick. Someone once asked me if I ever got bored being by myself. The answer was a resounding NO! Quite the opposite, really. I do all my big thinking and pondering when I'm alone, come up with all my best ideas. Like there is consistent chatter with another person, there is consistent thoughts running through my head and when I'm alone, I have the chance to sort through them and decide what to do with them.

If you are one of those people who would rather not spend time alone, for whatever reason you may have, I encourage you to try it. Start small, with baby steps. If the thought of going to the movies sans your posse makes you cringe, try taking yourself out for coffee first. What is your favorite thing to do with your closest friend, give it a try on your own and see how it feels. You may just surprise yourself and end up enjoying it. Learn to love being by yourself and in turn you will end up learning to love yourself. And since we're all kind of stuck with ourselves for the rest of our lives, that may just be the best gift you could give yourself.

j.

An NYC Bucket List

At the beginning of the month, I was thinking about those little things we call "New Years Resolutions". In an effort to set myself up for success and have some fun in the process, I decided to take a different approach to the whole thing. In addition to the usual "go to the gym more" and "eat more vegetables" (which I am TOTALLY doing, by the way), I wanted to come up with a resolution to enjoy living in NYC more. So from that, the idea of an "NYC Bucket List" was born.

I immediately thought of many things I had been wanting to do here in the city that I hadn't yet found the time to do. Some of them are bigger in scale than others but I think that's kind of the point when it comes to a bucket list. In the same way a life bucket list doesn't have a definite time frame (you don't know exactly when you're going to kick the bucket...haha see what I did there), neither does this one. I don't know when I will be leaving NYC, it could be four months from now, or four years. So, with that in mind, I better get cracking.

I'm sure I'll find time to document each momentous occasion of crossing something off the list, so I'll be sure to let you all know how my progress is coming along. If any of you think of another item that should be on my list, let me know. If I agree that the item belongs on my bucket list, I shall find a way to squeeze it on there!

j.

Polka Dots & Indigo Pants

polka-dot sweater {Old Navy} - white blouse {Loft} - indigo pants {Gap} - black booties {Top Shop} - 

black leather tote {Banana Republic} - bracelet {Smart Set} - arrow earrings {cheap jewelry store who's name escapes me every time}

I seem to be at a loss for words tonight. Maybe because I am officially in the middle of midterms at Parsons. So that means that my brain's capacity to form coherent thoughts, let alone sentences, is currently maxed out. I've been thinking a lot about the future lately. And by future, I really just mean May, which is when I will graduate from school. I've been thinking about what I want to do and where I want to live and it's all just sort of jumbled right now. Maybe I've been having these thoughts because of midterms, because that means that I'm mid-way through my second semester. And I only have three semesters. Time just seems to be flying. I met with my advisor this week to make sure I was on track for my May graduation and to talk about registering for my third and final semester. My final semester...but this one just started. I guess not so much. Eeeesh. Anyways, I better wrap this up here before my soul searching and lack of sleep start to get weird.

j.

Life Musings

Hi friends! My apologies for my absence this past week. I came down with a stomach bug that had no mercy on me whatsoever. The only thing worse than being sick in the summer? Being sick in the middle of a heat wave. There was a lot of sweat. Not a lot of clothing. And while I condone pantlessness at the best of times, I figured it would be in poor taste to blog about it. Or else it would turn this blog here into a whole 'nother type of blog, and I don't think we're ready for that yet ever.

Anyways, all this idle time lying in bed allowed me to over think anything and everything. I have been having mini panic attacks lately over the prospect of being done school and what comes next. I know that I still have two whole semesters before this happens. And the summer is not even halfway over but lately I just can't seem to stop myself from living in the future. In the what ifs. While sometimes planning is necessary and allows for growth, in this instance, it is just causing undue anxiety. I have been talking with friends about these thoughts and anxieties and turns out I am not alone in my over analytical ways. My friend, let's call her little Dee, has been stressing about the right internship to persue in the Fall. Should she intern two or three days a week? If she chooses three, she would have to drop from seven classes down to six. Six classes AND an internship?! But I am exactly the same way. We feel like our program is so short that we have to make the most of every possible opportunity. And a semester not interning is as good as wasted. But are we killing ourselves and setting ourselves up for a major meltdown so that we are not effective in any thing we do? Maybe. Probably. But it comes with the territory that is fashion school.

And then there is the ever daunting task of having to find a job once this school business is out of the way. And while I am not saying that my American friends have it a bit easier - okay that is exactly what I'm saying. Being a canuck, while advantageous in it's own right, just adds another layer of complicated to this whole job hunt. Especially if I want to stay in NYC or elsewhere in the States. So now this has me thinking of where I want to reside on a more permanent level. Is it here in NYC? Or back in Canada? Are there fashion jobs in Canada? That would make coming to NYC to study at one of the most renowned fashion schools in the world worth it? I don't know. It's also strange not knowing exactly what I want to do as a career. I know my genre obviously but the details are fuzzy. Hence the constant pressure of interning and experiencing as much as possible.

Do you see the dilemma? At some point, we all have to accept that we don't have it all figured out right now. And for right now, maybe that is okay. The end of school is still a ways off and lots can happen between now and then. For now, I need to remind myself to live in the moment, stop worrying so much and that I live in New freaking York, one of the most exciting cities in the world. Make the most of every opportunity that presents itself, know my limits in order to maintain some level of sanity over the next year and trust that, in the end, everything is going to be okay.

Put simply, I need to chill out.

j.

InstaLife Lately

I know this type of post is really popular among the blogs right now and I hate myself just a little bit for doing this. BUT, I have a serious Instagram addiction. I mean, SERIOUS. So my iPhone is loaded with photos. I'm talking jam packed of square-shaped photos filtered by "toaster" or "valencia". I even discovered another app that allows me to make photo collages and upload them straight to Instagram. The photo insanity is at an all time high. And I'm kinda loving every second of it...

Ready for it? I'll give you the reader's digest of it, starting at the top, from left to right:

• A guilty face. Yet another chai before class.
• Fro Yo, YO! (No guilt there.)
• Field trips aren't just for eight year olds. Materials Connexion for Textiles. Basically a museum of all things material. Pretty cool, actually!
• More takeout than I care to admit. And a reminder to be dependable. Because people rely on it.
• Interview nautical.
• Pretty fountains AND flowers. Win. Win.
• Taking two new flea finds on a sunny Sunday walk.
• Started making bracelets with Sesame. Just wait until you see what we're making tomorrow!
• Mixing patterns and waiting for the train.
• Shadows = Sun = Happiness.
• Cherry blossoms. See equation above.
• Apartment hunting with Kiki. And very large teas. It was way too early for a Saturday.
• Being a fleaster. And making up new words...
• Quiet study sessions on sunny days in my favorite cafe.
• A beautiful sunset over the city. And a beyond amazing,definitely enviable view from a friend's apartment.
• Fashionable friends inbetween classes.

Life, you are kinda alright at the moment.

j.