On Being Your Own Best Friend

touque (US translation: beanie) {Steve Madden via Century 21} - sweater {Forever 21} - black skinnies {Old Navy}

brown boots {Steven by Steve Madden via Century 21} - photo credit {Kiki}

We all know the cliche "you have to love yourself before someone will love you" and while I know that this saying probably causes a lot of eye rolling, I think there is some truth to it. I am an "alone" person and what I mean by that is I enjoy spending time by myself. I'm not talking about the regular day to day things that you do on your own, like riding the subway to work/school or going to the gym. I'm talking about hanging out with yourself. Taking yourself on adventures, be it an afternoon of shopping, exploring a new part of the city, sitting down at a restaurant for a solitaire meal or going to a museum or even a movie by yourself. I think this is an important part of figuring out who you are, or maybe more importantly, who you want to be. I believe that you have to know who you are as a single before you can become a pair. This comes inherently to some people, while others have to learn to be comfortable being by themselves. I don't know if I've always been this way, but I certainly know that I've spent a lot of time by myself over the past two years and it has been good for me. There is a certain freedom that comes with being by yourself because you get to do whatever it is YOU want to do. You don't have to cater to anyone else's feelings or desires or make any sacrifices whatsoever. This may seem selfish but I think that being selfish sometimes is necessary. It's necessary in the sense of personal development and growth but also in the sense of building and maintaining relationships (both friendly and romantic). I mean, if you don't want to hang out with you, what makes you think other people do?

New York is the perfect city for hanging out with yourself because anything goes here. You wouldn't look "weird" going to a restaurant (or even a bar!) on your own. I get a rush sometimes when I'm walking the streets solo, listening to my tunes and I know that I can do whatever I want, go wherever I want. It's liberating, in a sense. I wonder if being single has enabled me to spend more time by myself (in a word, yes). But even if you are in a relationship doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't make time for you. I think it's important to find out what makes you tick. Someone once asked me if I ever got bored being by myself. The answer was a resounding NO! Quite the opposite, really. I do all my big thinking and pondering when I'm alone, come up with all my best ideas. Like there is consistent chatter with another person, there is consistent thoughts running through my head and when I'm alone, I have the chance to sort through them and decide what to do with them.

If you are one of those people who would rather not spend time alone, for whatever reason you may have, I encourage you to try it. Start small, with baby steps. If the thought of going to the movies sans your posse makes you cringe, try taking yourself out for coffee first. What is your favorite thing to do with your closest friend, give it a try on your own and see how it feels. You may just surprise yourself and end up enjoying it. Learn to love being by yourself and in turn you will end up learning to love yourself. And since we're all kind of stuck with ourselves for the rest of our lives, that may just be the best gift you could give yourself.

j.

Musings from a single twenty-something

I read an article in the NY Times the other day (I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock of learning I read the NY Times...) that has been stuck in my head ever since. It was called "The End of Courtship", and it basically surmised that romance is quickly dying among people my age. Traditional dating - you know, dinners, movies and walks on the beach - is being replaced by the "group hang" (is this really a thing?!). Several factors were to blame, social media and the popularity obsession people in their twenties have with technology (ahem, iPhones!) being at the top of the hit list. Guys (or girls, I'm a liberated woman living in the 21st century here!) no longer have to pluck up their courage, risk bruising their precious ego and pick up the phone to ask someone out on a date. In this day and age, all we have to do is type a few words and hit send with our thumb. No risk of fumbled words, painstakingly embarrassing stutters or the dreaded radio silence after you've asked the BIG question. On the other hand, however, the connection is not as real or genuine. The article went on to say that the increasing social acceptance of online dating sites is also a factor that is contributing to the watering down of real human interaction and that many "relationships" begin as a string of text or inbox messages. A twenty-something guy was quoted in the article saying that he didn't like to take girls on dates, he would rather just have them tag along with whatever he was doing. 

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

Is this what dating has become? An after-thought. A last minute text sent before heading out to the pub to meet your boys in the hopes that the girl is desperate enough to tag along. Where is the planning or effort in this? Let me tell you: there is none. Call me old fashioned, but I want and expect to be wooed a little bit here. The same goes for us gals too, I think both parties need to be putting forth their best effort. It all just sounds quite lazy, if you ask me. I'll be honest and say that I have been on a few dates courtesy of an online dating site here in the city. To be fair and give the guys I met credit, they took me on real dates. But it all started via inbox messages and texting back and forth and surprise, surprise it was a lack of connection that caused our relationships to go nowhere fast. 

It has surprised me, really, how difficult it is to date and meet guys in more traditional ways in this city. The mentality of the opposite sex here is very different than anywhere else I've been. They stick to themselves or their people when out in prime "pick-up" locations, not even so much as glancing at, let alone striking up a conversation with the fairer gender. The few that do then fail to follow-through. Why bother then if you don't plan on doing anything more than ask for a girl's number. Are guys in NYC busier/more reserved/over stimulated/more ego-centric than guys who live elsewhere in the world? I don't know the answer to that. I have just been stewing about this article and concept for days now and I am no closer to figuring it out than I was before. I can't won't accept the notion that romance and dating is a thing of the past. After reading this article and seeing how guys in this city behave, I couldn't help but have a Carrie Bradshaw moment and ask:

Have technology and social media platforms caused our generation to become so out of practice with traditional ways of connecting with people that we really don't know how to forge genuine relationships with one another?

I certainly don't have the answer to this question, but what do you all think?

j.