You Belong in 'X'

 

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You know the feeling you get when you're reading a good book and it's nearing the end but you just don't know exactly how it's going to end? That's what my life feels like right now. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that my program will be over in May. I don't know what I want to do or maybe more importantly, where I want to do it once I graduate from Parsons.

I feel torn between two completely different options. I can stay in NYC and work for a year or I can move back home to Calgary. If you had told me a few years ago that I would be considering moving back to Calgary, I would've told you you were crazy. I don't know when exactly it happened but lately something has shifted in me, making moving back to the city I grew up in an appealing choice. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and realizing that I want to be near my family. I've been away for nearly ten years, but perhaps that was the amount of time I needed to feel ready to call that place my home again.When I think about moving to Calgary, it feels right in a sense. But I can't stop the little voice in the back of my head from planting seeds of doubt in my mind. What if I don't like living there? What if I can't find a job that allows me to use my schooling or at the very least, my creativity?

If I stay in NYC, I will get the chance to work in the fashion industry, which has always been the goal. Sometimes I feel like I should not even have to think twice about this and that I'm crazy for not jumping at the chance to work in my dream field in the city where it all happens. But I do have to think twice and I'm not jumping anywhere at the  moment. This city is inspiring and breath-taking and I've never felt more alive but a part of me feels unsettled, for lack of a better word. Maybe because I know in my heart that this is not the place I want to settle down, so in a way it feels counter-productive to start my career here. This city, with all of it's positives, has a dark side that can chip away at your soul if you're not careful. It's busy chaos can leave you feeling lonely and cold. And while the pace of NYC can be hard to keep up with at times, I worry that the pace of Calgary will leave me running circles with no finish line in sight.

I literally flip-flop on this decision every other day. Some days I'm leaning towards staying in NYC and giving it a try for at least the next year but then something happens and I'm back to mentally preparing the moving checklist I'll need should I decide to leave. Most people are on New York's side (besides maybe the few friends I have in Calgary), and tell me I should definitely stay and get a job. Even with all the support and obvious benefits of staying in the city, I find myself defending Calgary and talking it up more times than not. Is this a sign or is this me trying to convince myself of something? I don't know and although I don't need to know right now, I will need to know soon. I'm just waiting for that moment of clarity to come smack me in the face and yell at the top of its lungs,  

"YOU BELONG IN 'X'". 

Please tell me that's going to happen.

j.